Taming the Shrew

Have you ever had one of those days where it seemed like everything you said was wrong? You know how it is, you feel like someone should just slap a big ol’ sign on ya that says “open mouth, insert foot”?

How about one of those YEARS?

“How was your day dear?”

“I’m tired of your attitude already!”

“Would you like some gravy with your mashed potatoes hon?”

“Who said I wanted damn mashed potatoes?! I’m goin’ to McDonald’s!”

Yeah! Well, you know what I have to say about that-

So am I wrong for wanting to hurl epithets at an ungrateful back?

I would LOVE to be tossing the family china: the god-awful, ugly, I-can’t-even-give-it-away-to-any-garage-sale-in-a-3-mile-radius china. Wanna play catch-with lawn darts? Or better yet, could you just accidently stumble and fall in front of the lawnmower while I’m mowing? I’m sure losing a toe or two wouldn’t hurt too bad; after all, you laughed your ass off when I cut myself with the pruning shears. Just a pinkie toe, you don’t really need those for anything. No?

I try to be nice. First. Big pot-slow boil or some such nonsense. Didn’t use to be that way. Use to be Katie-bar-the-door-the-roof-is-on-fire (yeah, my clichés get all messed up when I’m incensed, sue me!). When you plan on living with someone for 50+ years though some compromise has to be made. So I don’t throw heirlooms or attempt any drive-by mowing. I stopped engaging in shouting matches, slamming doors and turning TV channels to MY shows. I stopped going shopping, going to the salon, going out with the girls and sleeping on MY side of the bed. I stopped doing all of the things that I did before we met and when we met because balance and harmony is necessary to the good health and well-being of any relationship. Please; just one, little, ol’ pinkie toe???

So, I’ve gone from Newlywed Goddess to Desperate Housewife and now The Shrew has decided it is tired of all the BS and is clawing its way out of the ground and nosing around. You all know that The Shrew is a dirty, mean, vicious creature that will eat not only its young but anything else that might be unfortunate enough to tumble in it’s path.

To hell with a toe, I want the whole damn foot!


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