Dear Jake

scrollI have to say that I feel really awkward writing this. I’ve tried to write several times and just end up staring at a blank screen while my mind wanders. Hell, I’m not sure how to begin or what this situation even qualifies as. Embarrassing? Yes. Stupid? Hell yes! WTF? Oh, we’re just getting started…

Who are you?

I guess that is as good a place to start as any. I mean, I can describe you in great detail but that still doesn’t answer the question. I’ve never met you yet you haunt me and have been doing so for months. I KNOW YOUR FRIGGIN NAME FOR CRISSAKE! How does that happen?


Yeah, you have me rattled.

Every night you are there. In my dream(s). EVERY. NIGHT. The first couple of times I tossed it off to over-indulgence in those stupid romance books. You know, a fantasy? Even though the name thing was unusual (yeah… I’m a shallow kinda dreamer) and you in detail as a person even more so (okay, I’m an extremely shallow dreamer).  I can deal with fantasy. What woman can’t? Fantasy is good once-and-a-while; keeps things interesting, ya know? But when it goes beyond “a couple of times” then it becomes concerning and I start freaking out. Freaking out as in– looking at the cover of every single book I own that I can get my hands on, traditional and digital, to see if I’ve got some subliminal thing going on. I came up with nothing. That is over 500 books! Nothing! Where else would you come from? I’m not a big web surfer but I have checked the few places I visit regularly… nothing lurking in the shadows there either.

::big sigh::

Now, you aren’t even confined to the night.

That’s right. Like I said, I’m not talking about a couple of weak-assed fantasy-based dreams that fade in the light of day. Oh no… nope. You gotta tag along and bother me during the damn daytime too, distracting me and making it difficult for me to get things done. And I do mean you. Not what you do but you the person. Or the figment. Or whatever in the hell you want to call yourself. Your face flashes into my mind and I freeze in fascination. Am I fascinated because you have lingered so long, because you have become some weird obsession or because you are starting to creep me out in a horrific yet exciting way?


There is this…

The thought has crossed my mind that Whom is up to no good again. That you are just another twisted joke along the way on their quest to be a pain in my ass. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least; you would definitely be something I would expect those sorry old perverts to pull from up their sleeves.

Oh, I have also had to do some fast-talking during some… um… hell! Some… awkward moments. Oy! THAT can’t keep happening!

::deep growl::


Dear Leila,

At this time, Whom, Inc. has no Jake in its employment. However, rest assured that we have our headhunters working round-the-clock and, once located, Jake will be offered full-time employment, benefits package and a substantial bonus. It is our Goal at Whom, Inc. to provide the best service we can to all of our asses clients.


Human Resources Dept., Whom, Inc.


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